Tear Soup is known as the most complex type of soup to make – but also the most delicious and satisfactory. Its smooth hint of life experience and it’s vague saltiness will leave you salivating. Here is the coveted recipe:
- 2,948 tears (best collected in test tubes)
- 2 cups of milk
- 25 onions
- a very strong and violent person
- An open fire
- A Bully
- Several very sad movies
- The Novels Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Wuthering Heights, Tess of the D’Urbervilles, or any other astoudningly devastating book you have at hand.
- As previously stated, this is a very complex dish; firstly, you get your 25 onions. You will only add two of these to your Tear Soup, but you need an adaquate amount of tears. So start peeling, chopping, and sobbing! As you chop the onions, remember you have to collect your tears.
- At this point you should have approximately 1,000 of your tears: You must keep going! Now you need to invite the very strong and violent person onto the scene and a bully who will (verbally) make you feel worthless. (Make sure to tell the violent person not to break your arms or legs. You need them to finish the soup).
- After this, you should have 2,000 tears. You’ll feel absolutely worthless as a side effect. Now comes the fun part. Put on a film. A very very sad film. If Titanic is your thing, stick it on. Romeo & Juliet? Go for it. Maybe even Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2? After this, you should have 2,500 tears.
- As you will know by the ingredients list, you haven’t achieved your goal yet. So you need to sit back and relax with a devastatingly sad book. Perhaps the tale of Heathcliff and Catherine in Wuthering Heights will leave you sobbing. Or maybe Angel and Tess in Tess of the D’Urbervilles. Perhaps you’re not into the classics, so try something more modern. Harry Potter anyone? If you’re a dog lover, try Stephen King’s Cujo.
- Now you should have 3,000 tears. You can put 52 of those into the fridge and drink them at a later point when you need cheering up. Now the cooking starts! Pour in your tears into a cauldron, two cups of milk, a little bit of ginger to warm the bones, and 2 of the onions. Hang the cauldron over the open fire and leave for 2 hours, stirring clockwise twice every 20 minutes. After 2 hours, add a teaspoon of cornflower, stir anti-clockwise for five minutes, and… Voila! There you have it – Tear soup. Drink when you’re feeling astoundingly miserable and you’ll be cheered right up.