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How to Make Gingerbread Memories

Gingerbread memories… mmm…

Sorry, yes. The recipe – where was I? – Oh, I haven’t started yet. Alright, let’s go. Gingerbread memories are one of the more complex dishes to make, purely because of the amount of people you’ve got to gather together. If you’re an introverted agorophobic whose family has mysteriously disappeared and you haven’t had friends since you fought in the Vietnam war, then don’t bother trying to make these cookies!

Ingredients

  1. 100ml treacle
  2. 55g margarine
  3. 55g dark brown sugar
  4. 1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
  5. 1/2 teaspoon ground all spice
  6. 1/2 teaspoon of ground cinnamon
  7. 1/2 teaspoon of ground cloves
  8. 1 teaspoon of ground ginger
  9. 1 large egg
  10. 212g  Odlum’s tritamyl
  11. 80g of corn flower
  12. a large net
  13. At least seventeen people that you have known all of your life
  14. a pack of tissues
  15. 34 bottles of wine (it’s going to be a long day, believe me)
  16. A pen and paper
  17. Photographs
  18. Video clips from your childhood

So as you can see, this recipe is no picnic. So if you don’t want to have joyous and sorrowful memories, then turn back now!

Method

  1. Firstly, you need to go shopping! But after that, you’d best contact your (at least) seventeen guests. You’ll be needing them more than anything else! When you’re all gathered in the kitchen, give everyone a job to do. The initial recipe is a piece of cake, you’ve just gotta throw all the ingredients together (work it out for yourself, I have more complex points to discuss).
  2. Now you’ve got the mixture, you need to start remembering. Get your 34 bottles of wine (a healthy mixture of red and white, preferably) and head into the living room. Make sure that you’ve got enough seats for everyone. You’ll need to take turns holding the net to whoever is speaking at the given time. The net is the most important part of this recipe! Without it your Gingerbread Memories will be full of horrible, icky mess, like remembering Maths class from school, or even (I shudder to think) the details of your last mortgage payment. The net filters out all the bad stuff, so you won’t be eating your cookies and remembering the nasty stuff.
  3. You should go at the remembering all night if possible. There will be tears, so you’ll need that box of tissues at hand, and there may be some memories you want to write down.  They can be good, sad or funny memories – whatever you want your cookies to taste like will be fine! Somebody needs to hold the net up in front of the speaker’s face as they speak, and somebody else needs to hold a container (with a lid to keep the memories in) behind the net. This way, you’ll collect the memories. By the time the night is over, you should be totally drunk out of your mind, feeling nicely giddy and dying for bed.
  4. Snap out of it! Of course you can’t sleep at such a crucial time! For God’s sake get into that kitchen! Good. Now. You need to carefully enter the container of memories into the mixture from last night. You need to stir it around for a while, approximately three minutes. You won’t be able to see the memories, they’re invisible (if you hadn’t realised that I think you need to reconsider why you discharged yourself from the psychiatric unit).
  5. You shape the gingerbread into whatever you like. Maybe a tear drop, or a man (or a woman for you feminists out there). Just don’t go trying to make a gingerbread house. Gingerbread Memory is much less versatile than normal Gingerbread, and it tends to get quite emotional when it’s forced to do things it doesn’t want to do. So now that you’ve got them shaped, put them in the oven for half an hour, and…
  6. Ouila! There you have it! You have your delicious memories, mouthwatering, tantalising… You name it. Now you need to go and attend to your drunken guests, most of whom are probably asleep on the living room floor, or crying about some trivial matter. Give them their gingerbread memory, and you all eat it at the same time.

The feeling you get as you take a bite from that memory is quite intense. Some people in the room will burst into hysterical tears as they remember family deaths, and others will laugh hysterically as they recount their childhood nickname for their most hated teacher. Whatever it is, the experience is incomparable to anything you will ever feel. With each bite, any bit of magic could happen. Good luck.

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5 comments on “How to Make Gingerbread Memories

  1. Love it!! That’s brill 🙂 wow!! Xx

  2. Wow patrick this is so wacky haha but it’s ingenious 🙂 reminds me of roald dahl the way it’s so mystical & dreamy, let’s make some gingerbread memories this xmas haha 🙂 what a funky original idea for a blog, well done sonny x

  3. Lol I love it. Write a book

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